I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I forget how to act sober
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize