I accidentally burped into my bong.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
