I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
