do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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