so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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