guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
