i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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