I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
