i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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