This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize