Jerry, you need to find god
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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