I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
