she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
