I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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