Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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