Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
