i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
