So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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