i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
