Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize