so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
