i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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