I accidentally had phone sex last night
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
