just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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