3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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