ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
