Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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