Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
