if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
