Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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