So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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