Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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