batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
