dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
