maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize