Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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