I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
