I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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