I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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