I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
