After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
