recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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