Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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