What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
