you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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