You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
