i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
