You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
