At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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