I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
