It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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