I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
