you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
