Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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