I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
