After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
