At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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