You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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