i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So vagazzling was a success
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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