bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
