He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
