just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I love you. Go after that dick
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
