okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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