I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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